The Insane Retirement Plan

A friend of mine is planning his retirement business. I asked what he had in mind. He said something small. I asked what kind of small. He said just small. Something he could go to every day and manage. I appreciated the vision. I could not find the business!? What??

But it got me thinking. What do people actually do when the retirement savings are not quite enough and the professional skills are not the kind you can just keep doing forever? Not everyone is a doctor or a lawyer who can operate until ninety with a waiting list and a premium on their time. Most people are just ….people. Good at something specific that was useful in a specific context that no longer exists once the office does. 😵‍💫

A laundromat? An ice cream parlour? A small shop that sells things to a small group of people who come back because they have nowhere better to be?? Steady, unambitious, enough. There is something quietly honest about that and I mean it sincerely.

But me?

I have been giving my own retirement serious thought. And I have a plan. It has nothing to do with doing something small.

I want to become a Baba.😁

A Guru. Not casually. Properly. White robes. Strategic white beard, the kind that takes years to cultivate and communicates immediately that I have suffered greatly and understood everything, possibly simultaneously. A small ashram, either near the beaches of Goa or somewhere in the Himalayas, depending entirely on the season and the current state of my knees. I had a brief vision of someone feeding me grapes as I lay on a side bed but I think that is a different era and a different set of robes so we will move past that. 😅

People will arrive with their problems. Marriages. Careers. The general chaos of being alive. I will listen with my eyes half closed in a way that reads as deep contemplative presence but is honestly just me in the early stages of a nap.

Then at the right moment, I will lean forward and say slowly and with great gravity —

The river does not ask the mountain for permission.

Nobody will understand it. I certainly will not. But here is the thing about wisdom delivered with sufficient confidence and adequate long facial hair. Nobody admits they do not understand it. They will all nod. I will also nod. Someone will whisper wow. Someone will write it down. Someone will ask if there is a course.

Of course ….there is always a course. Five sessions. Sliding scale. Cash preferred, because the river does not ask the mountain for permission and neither, as it turns out, does the tax department. 😬

I will be promoting the course on Substack shortly. Open to collabs. Serious inquiries only. The river does not have time for everyone. 😄

Note: I am writing this from the lounge in Zurich.. sleep deprived and waiting for my next 10 hour flight ..